November 24, 2006

Screw The Lightbulb!

Who hasn’t heard of a lightbulb joke? There are endless variations of it covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group.

For your sheer enjoyment, I compiled some of the most amusing lightbulb jokes I’ve ever come across:


Q: How many Divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. The Diva holds it and the whole world turns around her.

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they never get the house.

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they have to do it again and again, because they always forget what they should say when they're on the ladder.

Q: How many Blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb, and another to look at him and say, "Oh yeah".

Q: How many CNN reporters it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Any one of them, but they'll keep repeating the story about what happened until something else breaks.

Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We will never find out, but Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1, but it's really 3, but it's really 1, but it's really 3....

Q: How many Church of England members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 4. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to set up a society to preserve the old one.

Q: How many detectives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Who changed it, and why?"

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We'll fix it in software."

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One screws in the lightbulb, and four discuss how Miles Davis would have done it.

Q: How many Journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They would write about how it should be changed, write about how it is being changed, and then write about how it was not changed properly.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0.9, or possibly 2.53.

Q: How many perfectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They changed it before it broke.

Q: How many plumbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but that's just the estimate.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter how many you have, none of them will ever trust any of the others to hold the ladder steady.

Q: How many search engines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: This page is unavailable.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.0±0.3, 19 times out of 20.

Q: How many student activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have 800 signatures and the rally starts tomorrow.

Q: How many Teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to have a staff meeting about it!

Q: How many ugly people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We look better when the lights are out.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the light bulb and four more to say they could do it better solo.

Q: How many green technology experts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulbs? Use sunlight!

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only 1, but it takes 726 million years to do it.


Q: How many inhabitants of Florida does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know. They are still counting.

Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We can out-source the job to someone cheaper".

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One footballer, but he'll deny it and say it was the hand of God that did it.

Q: How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if five girls are watching as they flex their biceps.

Q: How many British holiday-makers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they smashed it when they were drunk, and they're waiting for the hotel to replace it.

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Problem: One single bulb that needs replacing, and millions of people to do it.

Q: How many Dutch people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to hold the bicycle steady.

Q: How many Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No problem at all. It's easier than building a pyramid.

Q: How many Eskimos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Seal-fat candles are more romantic.

Q: How many French people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if everyone says that they do it the best.

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll complain that he was only taking orders from his superiors.

Q: How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to drink till the room spins.

Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he was paid by a politician to do it.

Q: How many Japanese people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and one with a camera to photograph the first one doing it.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he has to find a hill of beans first.

Q: How many Scottish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they're still arguing about who should buy the bulb.

Q: How many Sicilians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. "If you don't change that bulb, your brains will be all over the ceiling."

Q: How many Spanish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after a good long sleep in the afternoon.

Q: How many Third World people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. No electricity.

Q: How many Welsh people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and 40 Welsh miners to sing about how it lights up the valley.

Q: How many Zen gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; only the inner light matters.

Q: How many Formula 1 drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them - if only to make sure that Michael Schumacher doesn't do it first.

Q: How many senior Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the standard.

Q: How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Wait until your father gets home, and stop playing with electricity."

Q: How many Presidents and Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One of each. They'll invade the factory, free the workers, say that lightbulbs are weapons of mass destruction, and then deny they sold them to the factory in the first place.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

Q: How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They only screw in a puddle of vomit.

Q: How many boxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Have you ever tried to change a lightbulb with boxing gloves on?

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't think our department handles that - can you hold?

Q: How many Cluedo players does it change to change a lightbulb?
A: Colonel Mustard. In the dining room. With the ladder.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to bulb light the change.

Q: How many stylish Gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sing songy) The whole Gang! Room Makeover!

Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to a previous joke.

Q: How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. A lightbulb is square, and if it's not, it should be.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!

Q: How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if you can find a word to rhyme with lightbulb...

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!

Q: One.
A: How many time-travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many Vietnam veterans did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You'll never understand, because you weren't there.

Q: How many comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's not funny.


May you have a laughter-filled weekend, my fabulous bloggerfriends!

32 comments:

houseband00 said...

Pang weekend ang haba ng post mo, Ms. Beautiful Tourism. =)

brian said...

How many bloggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Lightbulbs? Just use the light on your cell phone!

Margo said...

Oh, this is a great list! :-)

ian said...

Hehe. Okay, here's one more:

How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?

First he bites off the old one...

Ian

conchita said...

I spent a funny time reading this post.
See you :)

kyels said...

Haha!

That's so funny. Whatta great list Irene!

(:

Have a happy weekend!

zeroimpact said...

Wow
I never knew there were so many jokes that revolves around the same light bulb
:)
Thanks for sharing
Have a great weekend

thethinker said...

You've been tagged!

Irene said...

Handsome Houseband: Totoo yan! Obvious bang na carry away ako sa jokes? =)

Brian: Bwahaha! ;p

Margo: Thanks for visiting! Feel at home here. (",)

Ian the Irish: Bwahaha! :p

Conchita: Glad to hear that. =) See you again!

Kyels: Always happy to bring a smile to your face, my friend. c",)

ZeroImpact: Bet you'll never look at a lightbulb in quite the same way again, huh? ;p

The Thinker: So now we're at three. Where in the blogworld are all these numbered memes coming from? I'm on it!

Techguy (hinde guapo pero medyo bastos) said...

naku malake yong babayaran mo sa kuryente...........ang daming lightbulbs sa site mo..........hehehe

Tom Atkins said...

Goodness! It must have taken a while to gather all these. Thanks for the laughs!

Tom

Pamela said...

you forgot

How many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Two


Some I'd heard - some were brand new to me.
I had a giggle reading

choochoo said...

lol - I've actually been trying to remember that I need lightbulbs when I'm in the store for the past two weeks. This weekend, I forgot again. And now this:)

SQT said...

I like the diva one. Like we all don't know someone like that.

Michael C said...

Those were great (and plentiful). My fav was the Formula 1 drivers...

Have a great weekend!

Heimdallr said...

Ooooh this was so funny it brought tears to my eyes, I didn't know there were so many good ones, thank you for listing them. What delighful images too, are they yours?

Thank you for stopping by my place, I would never have found your fascinating blog otherwise.
Thank you for the smiles and laugh out loud jokes.

Sandy

Jenny said...

"Let's go ride our bikes!"

*snort* That one totally crackd me up.

-Princess Shin- said...

I like the last one.. =) take care ya irene! have a great week!

Irene said...

Techguy: Tama ka diyan. Matutuwa ang Meralco sakin. Bwahaha! ;p

Poet Tom: It was a tad tedious amassing the jokes but loads of fun! Glad you enjoyed it, my friend. =)

Pamela: Bwahaha! Thanks for contributing to the list! (",)

Choochoo: Girl, better get those bulbs now. May you have a happily lit up weekend! ;p

SQT: That's one of my favorites, too. =)

Marvelous Michael: Too bad I couldn't find a lightbulb joke with David Letterman in it. ;p

Sandy: Glad you enjoyed! It's great that you dropped by. Feel at home here so we can share more laughs in the future. =)

Jenny: Haha! I really liked that one, too. Hope you're having a good weekend! c",)

Princess Shin: Happy weekend, pretty! ;p

Lanee Girl said...

hahahahaha! light bulb lang pero andaming naisip!

Irene said...

Lanee girl: Ang creative, no? Pinoy siguro ang nag-isip. Bwahaha! ;p

Emma said...

Hehee!

I loved these two together:

"Q: How many British holiday-makers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they smashed it when they were drunk, and they're waiting for the hotel to replace it.

Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Problem: One single bulb that needs replacing, and millions of people to do it."

Perfect for me. :D

Irene said...

Glad to have made you smile, Enchanting Emma! Hope you're having a great weekend! ;p

krystyna said...

Hi Irene!
Very funny! Thanks!
Have a great Sunday!

Neila said...

That is hilarious! I haven't heard many of those!! I would love to hear your take on The Aristocrats joke!

starbender said...

hahahaaa, that is the best list I have ever read!!!
' ]

Cergie said...

Difficult for me to understand really the jokes, but I find the pictures awesome (and enlightening)
The last one at the bottom particularly

Bearette24 said...

Very silly :D

Katie said...

wow. those are more lightbulb jokes than I have ever heard before.

Julia Scissor ;-) said...

And there's this one:
How many Pakistanis does it take to change a light bulb?
100.
1 to hold the bulb and 99 to spoke opium till the room spins.

Anonymous said...

Thought of a random question "How many eskimos does it take to change a lightbulb", googled it, and up came your blog! thank you!!!!

perviepreistess said...

Hahahaha!! This is great! I was actually looking for a lightbulb joke for a Watchmen fic I'm writing. It seems you've shed some light on my world with all these. And the one I needed was the very last one, for comedians!! It was fun getting to it though!! Great stuff! XD