I'd Love To, But....

After dishing out one insanely stupefying pick-up line after another for two continuous blog entries, I fear I may have discouraged some singletons from boldly venturing into the town’s most happening joints and partying on their own in trepidation of being bamboozled by overconfident strangers armed with sickeningly glib tongues. Bachelorettes, it’s time to stop the fretting! This one is for you.

Below are sassy comebacks you can use to effectively ward off unwelcome advances from the opposite sex. Commit them to memory so that you will not be caught dead in a speechless state of bewilderment the next time you are thrown a staggeringly cheesy pick-up line.

When someone icky comes on to you, simply answer:

I’D LOVE TO, BUT…

continue by choosing from the various options listed:

1. I have to floss my cat.
2. The man on television told me to stay tuned.
3. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
4. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
5. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
6. I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
7. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
8. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
9. I have to fulfill my potential.
10. My subconscious says no.
11. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
12. I’m having all my plants neutered.
13. I never go out on days that end in “Y”.
14. I have too much guilt.
15. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
16. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
17. I feel a song coming on.
18. I’m trying to be less popular.
19. You know how we psychos are.
20. I have to study for a blood test.
21. I’m observing National Apathy Week.
22. I have to fluff my shower cap.
23. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
24. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
25. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
26. There’s a disturbance in the force.
27. I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
28. I have to jog my memory.
29. My palm reader advised against it.
30. I prefer to remain an enigma.

BwaHaHaHa! Now go forth and have fun with it!!!

Pick-Up and Go.....Again!

Due to insistent public demand, I compiled a second list of nauseating pick-up lines for your morbid enjoyment and, hopefully, NOT for your actual use.

Here we go again:

Hi! Can I buy you a car?

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

I’m in the process of writing a phone book. May I have your number?

There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off you.

I’m feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?

You are the reason why I came here alone.

Hello! Can I see your tan lines?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

Excuse me, may I take your picture? I want Santa Claus to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Here’s a quarter. Call your roommate and tell her you won’t be coming home tonight.

Hey, I’m searching for treasure. Can I search around your chest?

Your daddy must be a drug dealer…because you’re dope!

Are you an interior decorator? When you came in, the room became beautiful.

You must be going straight to hell, because it is a sin to look that good!

Are you accepting applications to your fan club?

If it weren’t for that darn sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.

So, you have a man? How long have you had that problem?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN! How much have you been drinking?

Hi! I’m writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.

Come live in my heart…and pay no rent.

Do you want to see something swell?

I’m not drunk. I’m just intoxicated by the breathtaking sight of you.

Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin’!

If your left leg was Easter and your right leg was Christmas, could I please come and spend time between the holidays?

You have nice jewelry. They would look great on my nightstand.

Hi! I’m new to this country and you are the prettiest sight I’ve seen so far. Can you give me a tour of your body?

I’ve lost my teddy bear. Can I sleep with you?

I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m looking for an experience.

I envy your lipstick.

Was it difficult getting into those jeans? Can I try?

You’ll do.

What do you like for breakfast?

Damn, Sugar, settle down! I’m diabetic.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? Please?

Your name must be Summer…because you are hot as hell!

I’m a criminal. Hurry! Put me in handcuffs.

You know what? Your eyes have the exact same color as my brand new Porsche.

Hey, what’s that on your face? Here…let me check. Oh, it’s just beauty!

I have only three months to live.

Pardon me, but you stink. Let’s take a shower together.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

When does your centerfold come out?

When God made you, He was showing off.

Excuse me, I’d like to have kids someday and I wanted to find out how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

I’d marry your dog just to get in the family.

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book…so what’s one more?